Nurturing young sportspersons

Have you ever wondered how supportive you are of the sports interests and activities of your child? This is a question whose importance I realised when I began presenting workshops to parents of young athletes. I thought I’d better make sure I was someone who had “walked the talk”. So I went to my younger son and asked him for his impression of my performance as a sports parent. He thought for a long moment. Finally, he responded: “Dad, to tell you the truth, no matter what you did, it wouldn’t be right.”

As you can see, it’s not always easy being the parent of a sports-oriented child. The line parents walk is a fine one. How much encouragement should you give? When does encouragement transform into pressure? How much should you do for your kids? What should they do for themselves?

Engaging in sports teaches children numerous life skills. As parents we need to understand that by letting children face on-field and in-arena challenges, we prepare them to confront the greater and larger hardships of life.

Therefore being a judicious sports parent is a challenging task. If we can overcome the instinctive response to correct a child’s mistakes or help out with difficulties, we put ourselves in a better position to be good guides and a source of positive support to children. For instance if we notice a child exhibiting disinterest in her favourite sport, as sensible sports parents we need to patiently reason with her, to help her identify the cause of the sudden lack of interest. If the main cause is difficulty/fear in expressing her feelings to the coach, instead of stepping in, we should encourage her to discuss the issue(s) with the coach and communicate her sentiments or difficulty to him.

Based on my own experience as a sportsperson, father of athletes, coach and mentor of hundreds of young players/competitors, here are some of the things you can do to make this duty as enjoyable and rewarding as possible — for you and your child.

Encouragement. The word ‘courage’ is derived from the French word coeur, or ‘heart’. To encourage someone means to put heart into them. On the other hand, pressuring people squeezes the heart out of them.

How can you tell if you are encouraging your child or  pressurising her? Ask yourself:

• Does my child solicit my inputs? If she avoids talking to you about her sport, it could be a sign that she feels stressed by your advice/intervention.

• Do I have to do everything? Are you the one who keeps track of practice and games? Do you have to drag your child out of bed for her to make it to practice? Are you always driving them so they won’t be late? If so, you might be doing more than encouraging her.

• Am I encouraging or praising? Focus on your child’s effort (“You’ve worked really hard to improve your dribbling. How does it feel to play a game like that?”) rather than her achievements (“A goal! That’s wonderful!”). When you praise, your child might wonder if you would value her less if she didn’t score that goal. But when you encourage children, they understand that their efforts are valued, no matter what the result.

• Am I too emotionally invested? Are you the one who’s depressed the day after a lost game or race? Do you feel disappointed if your child wants to try a different sport? If so, maybe you’re too involved. Remember, sport is about the kids, not their parents!

Demonstrate the kind of behaviour that makes for positive sports experiences. This includes:

Respect. This means not feeling sorry for your child when her performance is not upto the mark. If you feel sorry for her, she may start to feel sorry for herself. Instead of muddling her mind, look for her strengths and help her learn from mistakes. In short, focus not on fixing what’s wrong, but on maximising and leveraging your child’s strengths.

Communication. Provide positive, concrete and actionable feedback and suggestions. Help your child develop problem-solving skills and find inspiration in adversity. Anger, stress and frustration are inevitable in the sports landscape.

For example, if your child is likely to be involved in a situation where some kids will be chosen and others won’t, help her to find the best way to deal with the situation. You may want to ask how she’ll feel if she’s not chosen. Discuss the reality that not everyone gets what they want. Encourage your child to be prepared with options if the worst happens.

Caring. Be sensitive to children’s feelings. By constantly telling a child that she has messed up you’ll be chipping away at her confidence and self-esteem. Instead, educate your child by your own positive behaviour when dealing with difficulties and setbacks.

Relax and enjoy the experience. After you have done your best to prepare your young sportsperson or athlete for the arena or the track, it’s time to sit back, relax, and enjoy the experience. After all, you’ve earned it!

(Dr. George Selleck is a San Francisco-based advisor to EduSports, Bangalore)